


fallen stars

by youyun



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Brotherhood, Implied Bullying, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jeonghan loves Chan very much, Lee Chan | Dino-centric, Orphanage, Orphans, Sad Yoon Jeonghan, Sort Of, This Is Sad, Yoon Jeonghan-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 09:26:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19664554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youyun/pseuds/youyun
Summary: “Hyung, what are orphans?” He asks one night.“Orphans,” Jeonghan repeats and bites his lips. It's what he does when he's thinking.“Orphans…,” He deduces after a moment, “are fallen stars.”They sit in silence, and the confusion is evident in Chan’s eyes.“Orphans are fallen stars,” Jeonghan reinforces after seeing the puzzlement in the younger’s eyes, “because no one knew how to appreciate them just yet.”Chan makes a noise of uncertainty and bewilderment.And Jeonghan would always say with a soft sigh, “Go to sleep, Channie, you'll understand someday.”





	fallen stars

He remembers, when obnoxious big boys teased him and sneered at him and called him an orphan, he'd run to Jeonghan.

  
  


_ “Hyung, what are orphans?” He asks one night. _

_ “Orphans,” Jeonghan repeats and bites his lips. It's what he does when he's thinking. _

_ “Orphans…,” He deduces after a moment, “are fallen stars.” _

_ They sit in silence, and the confusion is evident in Chan’s eyes. _

_ “Orphans are fallen stars,” Jeonghan reinforces after seeing the puzzlement in the younger’s eyes, “because no one knew how to appreciate them just yet.”  _

_ Chan makes a noise of uncertainty and bewilderment. _

_ And Jeonghan would always say with a soft sigh, “Go to sleep, Channie, you'll understand someday.”  _

Looking back on this, Chan wonders if he actually knew better.

  
  
  
  


Recounting on his memories with Jeonghan, nothing could, and would ever stop the nostalgia of Jeonghan's warmth and presence. 

He was three when he came into the orphanage, and Jeonghan was ten back then. They showered together, ate together, did everything together and even slept on the same bed. For as long as Chan could remember, Jeonghan had been in his life.

_ “Are you going to miss me if I leave the orphanage someday?” Chan asks Jeonghan one day. _

_ Chan almost misses the glint of sadness that flashes in Jeonghan’s eyes for a second. “Of course.” Jeonghan purses his lips. “Are you going to miss me?” _

_ “I would miss you to death.” _

Neither Chan nor Jeonghan had the chance to leave the orphanage.

  
  


Jeonghan was a prominent person in Chan’s dull, monotonous life. He was like a campfire in the cold, or a flash of light in the dark. Jeonghan was Chan’s big brother. He'd always give Chan his treats he got from Sister Jiyeon, the caretaker of the orphanage, for behaving the best. He'd always read Chan bedtime stories, and he'd always let Chan hog the blanket during sleep and never complain.

At some point of their lives, they became inseparable.

_ Chan wakes up crying, sobs racking his small frame. Jeonghan gets up frantically, and pulls Chan into a hug.  _

_ “It's just a nightmare,” He consoles repeatedly, “Everything’s alright.” _

_ At a certain point, Chan’s cries die down, sobs diminishing into sad sniffles. _

_ Jeonghan hums to him the lullaby while patting his back. The tension bleeds away, and he drifts off into oblivion once again. _

  
  
  


However close they were, Chan knew Jeonghan hid his own secrets. It's not rare that Jeonghan comes back to the orphanage with cuts and bruises after school, or sometimes juice or sauce on his shirt. It is also certainly not uncommon when Jeonghan brushes it off every time. 

He remembers that at one point, he had tried to ask Jeonghan about it, but Jeonghan claimed that he would not understand.

_ Chan lurks outside Sister Jiyeon’s room, trying to eavesdrop on their conversation. _

_ “Has someone been bothering you, Jeonghan?” He hears Sister Jiyeon say. _

_ There is a moment of silence, and Chan wonders if Jeonghan had been too quiet for him to hear. But eventually he hears Sister Jiyeon’s sigh after Jeonghan lets out a small “no”. _

_ “You know, Jeonghan, we can help you if anything’s troubling you.” _

_ Silence.  _

_ Sister Jiyeon sighs again. Her voice melts into a gentler tone, and she says, “The door will always be open when you're ready, alright?”  _

_ He hears footsteps coming towards the door, and Chan scurries away. _

_ That night, Jeonghan returned to their bed with more sweets. _

  
  


_ “...hyung?” Chan croaks groggily as he finds Jeonghan in the orphanage kitchen in the middle of the night again. _

_ Jeonghan snaps his head towards Chan instantly, and Chan would be lying if he said that he did not see the pure fear in the elder’s dilated pupils. _

_ Jeonghan breathes out a sigh of relief and puts his hand on his chest to stabilise himself. _

_ “Chan, why are you awake?” He asks in whisper, trying not to bring disruption to the oblivious, sleeping inhabitants of the orphanage. _

_ “I..I just need to pee,” Chan whispers back. _

_ Jeonghan tiptoes towards Chan, as if walking on eggshells, “Come on,” he grabs Chan’s hand with his own. “I will take you.” _

_ It was when Chan grew hesitant and sceptical. He tried not to ponder on the fact that Jeonghan has been waking up in the middle of the night and lingering in the kitchen. _

_ And especially hovering around the medicine cabinet. _

Chan had uncountable memories with Jeonghan that worth smiling and laughing about. However, the one that he would not forget in a lifetime was that one day when he woke up, and Jeonghan was not by his side.

_ As he walked out the sleeping room, he realised that a lot more people are coming and going and pacing inside the orphanage kitchen. He looks around for Jeonghan, but instead meets Sister Jiyeon’s eyes. _

_ She walked towards him. Apprehension and ominous feelings rose in Chan’s chest, as he saw Sister Susie's red rimmed eyes and the empty bottle of sleeping pills she held in her shaking grip. _

_ She knelt down in front of Chan and her free hand took Chan’s softly. It vaguely reminded him of the night when Jeonghan took him to the loo. _

_ “Chan…” Sister Jiyeon started, and Chan watched with growing anxiety as her eyes welled up with tears.  _

_ “Jeonghan left,” she said, her whisper barely audible, “to a place far far away.” _

_ “Where?” Chan remembers asking. _

_ “To where he would be happier.” Sister Jiyeon broke down and started crying. She hugged Chan, mumbling something like “if we had done something faster” into Chan's bony shoulders and wetting his clothes with her tears. _

_ Somehow Chan understood.  _

  
  


Strolling down the memory lane, Jeonghan was in most of Chan’s happiest memories. Reminiscing this person who had once existed, Chan partially felt angry at the impulse of Jeonghan’s actions. Sometimes he blamed himself, to be ignorant enough to overlook how sad his Hyung was. Sad enough to leave his dongsaeng behind and go, even when he loved Chan with the whole of his heart. But mostly, he felt grateful at Jeonghan's presence in his life. In the short 

Perhaps his memory of Jeonghan is like getting hit by a pillow during a pillow fight. It's soft, but also has a significant force to it. Just like Jeonghan, gentle but impacting. 

Perhaps it's like dark chocolate. Bitter, but has notes of sweetness to it. Or maybe a desert mirage. It fills you with hope, but turns out that the hope was false. 

He still remembers, in particular, that one thing Jeonghan told him. 

_ “Orphans are fallen stars.” _

_ That night, with a grief-stricken heart and a tear-blurred vision, Chan looked out of the window. And he saw in the night sky, for the first time, the brightest star there is. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this  
> Im actually an English literature student and English is not my first language and I wanted to train myself by writing  
> I feel like I'm not skilled in writing at all so I don't actually feel confident in posting stuff  
> Please please please tell me if you see room for improvement and give me more suggestions  
> Constructive criticism is welcome :)


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